I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
