For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Randomize
