the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize