dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
