I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
We got so high we made milksteak
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Randomize
