If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
