true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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