He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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