omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
