Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
And then he peed in my hair
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