if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
