News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
