I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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