He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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