why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
