Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
