My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
