I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
