That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
You dont lie about slip and slides
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize