You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
