I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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