I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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