Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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