Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Randomize
