i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize