Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
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