It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
