Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize