I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
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