i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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