I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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