my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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