T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
