Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
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