8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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