3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Randomize
