tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Randomize
