You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
