I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
