3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
