I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
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