wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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