There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
