Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
