I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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