I only kidnapped one of them. chill
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
