I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
