I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
