I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
