I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Randomize
