went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
