I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
