Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
