p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Randomize
