Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize