The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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