I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
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