Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
