I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
