I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Randomize
